3 Infancy, Toddlerhood, and Preschool 71if he had envisioned himself as footloose and fancy-free. Of course, not all
births are planned or wanted and many nonmarital relationships do not sur-
vive until the birth of the child or until the child’s second birthday. The focus
of this reading will be on the father who is in a marriage or partnership where
the pregnancy was planned.
The Involved Father
Fatherhood represents a profound shift in self-concept for many men. Such
shifts are marked by a new awareness of one’s own upbringing, a loss of free-
dom, a mourning of a loss of the idealized child, the potential loss of friends,
and a shift in the spouse/partner relationship in terms of both intimacy and
working together to parent.
For fathers with a healthy attachment to their own father, the birth can ener-
gize that relationship. As the new father interacts with his child, memories of his
own upbringing may return and a sense of generativity, where the father fits in
his own family’s legacy, may be engendered. As the father rolls a ball to a tod-
dler, he may remember playing catch with his own father. If these are positive
memories, they will reinforce the father’s comfort with his parenting role. But if
the father’s father was absent, inconsistent, or punitive, interacting with his child
may raise ambivalent feelings in the new father and cause him to distance him-
self or become tense in his childrearing. Some fathers want to be more involved
with their child than their father was with them but, without a role model, may
not be sure how to relate to his child in a loving way (see, e.g., Greif, 2014).
Some fathers with whom I have spoken fear they will not attach to their
child to the extent they should. This could be the result of an inconsistent rela-
tionship with a father or a strained relationship with the mother, who may be
seen as an extension of the child. Yet it may also be a manifestation of the nor-
mal fears some parents have about being able to properly care for a newborn
or as a result of their socialization about the father’s role.
Not only does the new father carry his father’s image, he may also have a
preconceived view of what manhood/fatherhood is. Some men are socialized
with a hypermasculine image that is constructed by culture, family of origin or
orientation, and one’s own reading of societal dictates about what a man’s role
should be. Such an image may include a certain amount of freedom to come
and go if a friend is in need or a job needs to be completed. Others are socialized
with a provider/breadwinner role in which the father is dedicated to his fam-
ily and fulfills his role by bringing in the bulk of the income while the mother
takes responsibility for hands-on childrearing. These notions about the father’s
role may conflict with a man feeling good about himself when feeding an infant,
changing diapers, or pushing a stroller in the mall. Yet these are common and
shared activities in many of today’s families where women and men occupy more
equal roles. As a result, as childcare needs arise (and if the mother earns close to
or more than his salary), the father may be unsure how to share in the parenting
of the child with the mother and feel he is losing part of his identity as a man.
A father’s sense of identity, especially if he is a “take charge” type of guy,
may further erode as his child grows older. He may believe that toddlers obey
their parents (especially if he believes he obeyed his) and not understand that,