older. According to child psychologists and psychiatrists,
it’s very difficult for children to really understand the
reasons behind a divorce, however much parents may
try to explain. Moreover, angry, squabbling parents often
vent their anger on children for trivial mistakes. This
prompts them to blame themselves for their parents fall-
ing out and this could cause great emotional stress.
“If the children feel guilty and blame themselves for
your troubles, explain to them that they are not to blame
for your falling out. Assure them that both parents will
continue to love them unconditionally, if not more than
before,” advises Dr. Mundada.
“My kids were terrified when my husband and I
decided on a trial separation. They literally withdrew
from us and kept each other company. They feared that
our separation would separate them. They also dreaded
the prospect of our being short of money after daddy
left,” recalls Preethi Singh*, a divorced mother of two
pre-teens.
Here are some suggestions offered by Dr. Mundada
to make divorce less painful for children, if it is inevi-
table.
- Before talking to the children, estranged parents
should discuss the impact of a divorce on them. Devise
workable solutions to soften the blow bearing in mind
that it’s your responsibility to make them feel emotion-
ally and financially
secure.- Sit together and
break the bad
news calmly to the
children. Save the
blame games for
later and give a
simple explanation
as to why you feel
your marriage needs
to end. - Allow time and
space for a volley of
questions. Deal with the difficult questions calmly and
patiently while reassuring them of unconditional love
from both of you. - After the news has sunk in, engage in some activ-
ity that you always enjoy together. Children are more
secure when they feel a sense of continuity in life.
It is natural that children react badly to a divorce.
If a child is unhappy with the new arrangements, take
turns to spend more time with her individually. Divorce
is a traumatic experience but with the passage of time
everybody, including children, get over it.
*Name changed to protect identity
Dr. Sagar Mundada