Before looking at techniques to avert this tension, we should remember
that the model we set with our own parents will be followed by our
children as they grow into adulthood. In the way we treat our parents, so
too will we be treated by our kids. (Has a shudder run up your spine?)
Also, remember that in a few unhappy cases, parents and children have
had a downright toxic relationship. Adult children are sometimes drawn
to their parents like moths to a flame — forever being burnt but forever
returning, always hoping for a close relationship that will never occur.
Clashes over raising the grandchildren are just symptoms of deeper, long-
term problems.
Some of us will go through life never being totally accepted or
unconditionally loved by our parents, and all the energy spent trying to
make it happen will end in only more frustration. This is important to
remember as we discuss the four basic rules for parent-grandparent
interaction.
Rule One: When we are together with our parents, it must be decided
who is going to control the children.
Usually, it should be the parents. If grandparents feel the need to discuss
our children’s behavior, we should ask them to do so when the child is
not misbehaving or present. A good way for them to present their
thoughts is, “My relationship with you is really important and I don’t
want to do anything that stresses it. I have some observations on the
grandchildren. Would you like to hear them?” Only if we say yes should
the grandparent proceed.
Rule Two: We should be assertive about our wishes.
Rather than reacting to what grandparents say, it is best for us to actively
look at the process of how things might be handled. For instance, we
might say to our parent, “Mom, before you comment or talk to me about
how I raise the children, I hope you will first inquire about it lovingly and
ask me why I am handling things the way I do. Does this sound
reasonable to you?”