testing? It’s obvious—you just give it to him. You give him the snack
right before dinner, turn the TV back on while he’s doing homework,
stop counting him when he’s teasing the dog, or don’t make him go to
bed.
The idea that the testing tactic “works” can also refer to the second
purpose of testing and manipulation: revenge. Children will repeat
tactics that provide an effective way of retaliating against the adults
who are causing the frustration. How does a child know if she is
effectively getting revenge? The answer takes us right back to the No
Talking, No Emotion Rules. If your child can get you very upset and
get you talking too much, she knows she’s got you.
Children know they are getting effective revenge when their
parents say things like, “How many times do I have to tell you?”
“Why can’t you just take no for an answer?” “ARE YOU TRYING TO
DRIVE ME NUTS?” The angry part of your frustrated child will find
comments like these satisfying, and the next time your child is upset
with you, he will know exactly how to press the revenge button.
Let’s imagine that you want your son to do his homework, for
example, and he has a tantrum (Tactic 2) because he wants to watch
TV instead. If you don’t follow the No Talking and No Emotion
Rules, your response turns into a counter temper tantrum. You get
more upset than your son did! Final score: Child 1, Parent 0. He got
satisfaction from getting the angry, big splash out of the larger, “more
powerful” adult.
Other kids retaliate by making their parents feel guilty. Imagine
that your daughter—when asked to go to bed—resorts to martyrdom
(Tactic 4): “Well, it’s obvious that nobody around here loves me
anymore. I might as well hitchhike to the next state and find a family
more compatible with my basic needs.” Here she adds a touch of
threat, Tactic 3. You feel frightened and guilty. You are certain that
unloved children grow up to be degenerates or serial killers. Your
response is to sit your daughter down on your lap and tell her for half
marcin
(Marcin)
#1