questions must not be loaded or judgmental. “Why did you do a
stupid thing like that?” “What’s your problem today?” or “Why are
you bugging me now about this?” are not good questions. These
comments will inspire arguments or silence.
Here are some better questions that continue the discussion and
further understanding: “What do you think made you do that?” or
“What was going through your mind at the time?” In our example,
Mom asked Tom, “So what happened when you had to sing?” That
was a good question.
Reflecting Feelings
A third sympathetic listening strategy is called “reflecting feelings.”
If you are going to tell someone that you think you understand him,
try to let him know that you can imagine how he must have felt under
the circumstances. Sometimes, when you reflect feelings, older kids
will tell you that you sound a bit like a shrink. If that’s the case, just
say, “Sorry, but I’m just trying to make sure I understand what you’re
talking about.”
In the example, Mom reflected Tom’s feelings at two points:
“That must have been awfully embarrassing” and “Boy, I haven’t seen
you this mad for a while!” Other examples of reflecting feelings
might include: “You really sound bummed out about that,” “That
must have really been fun!” or “You were pretty upset with me.”
The process of reflecting feelings accomplishes several things.
First, it lets the child know that what he is feeling is OK. (It’s what he
may do about it that can be right or wrong.) Second, the reflecting
response reinforces self-esteem and independence. And third,
reflecting feelings also helps diffuse negative emotions so they are
not acted out somewhere else. You can bet that if Tom’s mother had
first said, “That’s no way to talk about your teachers!” his anger
would have been redirected at her immediately.