104 The Explosive ChildDefine the ProblemIt is in the second step of Plan B that the adult places his
or her concern on the table. We call this the Define the
Problem step because we define a problem simply as two
concerns that have yet to be reconciled: your child’s and
yours. Plan B is the only approach to problems or unmet
expectations where there are two concerns on the table.
If the only concern on the table is the Adult’s concern,
you’re using Plan A. If the only concern on the table is
the Child’s, you’re using Plan C. If both concerns are on
the table, you’re using Plan B.
Now, adults are just as prone to putting solutions (in-
stead of concerns) on the table as children are. Plan B is
dead in the water if there are two solutions on the table.
Indeed, an adult putting a solution on the table usually
signals that the discussion has shifted from Plan B to Plan
A. Examples: “You have to go to the movies because I
can’t send your brother to the theater alone;” “You don’t
want to do your homework? Just do it and get it over
with!” and “If you don’t take your meds I’m not taking
you to soccer practice.”
Why are adults so inclined to put solutions on the
table instead of concerns? Because they were well
trained by their predecessors! So this can take a little
practice. Here are some examples of how it should sound