82 The Explosive ChildUnfortunately, we live in a society in which many
adults, when faced with a child who isn’t meeting expec-
tations, can think of only one word: Consequences. That’s
a shame, because there are only two ways in which con-
sequences are actually useful: (1) to teach basic lessons
about right from wrong (such as don’t hit, don’t swear,
don’t explode); and (2) to motivate people to behave appro-
priately. But it’s a very safe bet that your child already
knows you don’t want him to hit, swear, or explode, so it
wouldn’t make a great deal of sense to spend a lot of
time using consequences to teach him something he al-
ready knows. And—this may be a little harder to believe—
it’s also a safe bet that your child is already motivated not
to make himself and those around him miserable, so it
wouldn’t make a great deal of sense to spend a lot of
time using consequences to give him the incentive to do
well. Children do well if they can. If your child could do
well, he would. He needs something else from you.
Thankfully, there’s a whole universe of options available
to help your child besides consequences. Your journey
into a new universe begins in the next chapter.
Question: Aren’t flexibility and frustration tolerance
critical skills? Doesn’t my child have to change?
Answer: Flexibility and frustration tolerance are
critical skills, and there may be some ways to
teach your child how to be more flexible. But you