90 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
laTHAM: That's what I want, too. It just seems like we get
those feelings in different ways.
(Notice how lotham is leaving the game behind and joining
the dialogue. Safety-specifically Mutual Purpose-is making
this possible.)
YVONNE: [Recognize the purpose behind the strategy] Maybe
not. What makes you feel loved and appreciated?
laTHAM: Making love with you when you really want to
makes me feel loved and appreciated. And you?
YVONNE: When you do thoughtful things for me. And, I
guess, when you hold me-but not always sexually.
laTHAM: You mean, if we're just cuddling that makes you
feel loved?
YVONNE: Ye s. And sometimes-I guess when I think
you're doing it because you love me-sex does that for
me, too.
JOTHAM: [Invent a Mutual Purpose] So we need to find
ways to be together that make both of us feel loved and
appreciated. Is that what we're looking for here?
YVONNE: Yes. I really want that, too.
laTHAM: [Brainstorm new strategies] Well, what if we ...BUT I COULD NEVER DO THAT!Reading a complicated interaction like this one might lead to two
reactions. First, you might think, "Wow, these ideas could actu
ally work!" And at the same time, you could be thinking, "But
there's no way I could think that clearly in the middle of that
kind of delicate conversation!"