157Skin. Each spouse needs to respect the other’s physical body
boundaries. Physical boundary violations can range from hurt-
ful displays of affection to physical abuse. The Bible says that the
husband and wife have “authority” over each other’s body
(1 Cor. 7:4–6 NASB); this is mutual authority, given freely. One
should always remember Jesus’ principle: “Treat others as you
would want to be treated.”
Words. Your words need to be clear and spoken in love.
Confront your spouse directly. Say no. Don’t use passive resis-
tance. Don’t pout or withdraw. Say things like, “I do not feel
comfortable with that. I do not want to. I won’t.”
Truth. Paul says that “each of you must put off falsehood and
speak truthfully” (Eph. 4:25). Honest communication is always
best. This includes telling the other person when he is not aware
that he is violating one of God’s standards. You also need to own
the truth about your feelings and hurts and communicate those
feelings directly to your spouse with love.
Physical Space. When you need time away, tell your spouse.
Sometimes you need space for nourishment; other times you
need space for limit setting. In either instance, your spouse should
not have to guess why you do not want him around for a while.
Communicate clearly so your spouse does not feel as though he
is being punished, but knows he is experiencing the consequences
of his out-of-control behavior (Matt. 18:17; 1 Cor. 5:9–13).
Emotional Distance. If you are in a troubled marriage, where
your partner has had an affair, for example, you may need emo-
tional space. Waiting to trust again is wise. You need to see if
your spouse is truly repentant, and your spouse needs to see that
her behavior has a cost. Your spouse may interpret this as pun-
ishment, but the Bible teaches that we are to judge a person by
her actions, not by her words (James 2:14–26).
In addition, a hurt heart takes time to heal. You cannot rush
back into a position of trust with too much unresolved hurt. That
hurt needs to be exposed and communicated. If you are hurt-
ing, you need to own that hurt.
Time. Each spouse needs time apart from the relationship.
Not just for limit setting, as we pointed out above, but for
Boundaries and Your Spouse