aboutthewaytheyarearguing.
Unknowinglytheybeginhurtingeachother;whatcouldhavebeenaninnocentargument,easilyresolved
withmutualunderstandingandanacceptanceofdifferences,escalatesintoabattle.Theyrefusetoaccept
orunderstandthecontentoftheirpartner'spointofviewbecauseofthewaytheyarebeingapproached.
RRRReeeessssoooollllvvvviiiinnnngggg aaaannnnaaaarrrrgggguuuummmmeeeennnnttttrrrreeeeqqqquuuuiiiirrrreeeessss eeeexxxxtttteeeennnnddddiiiinnnngggg oooorrrr ssssttttrrrreeeettttcccchhhhiiiinnnngggg oooouuuurrrrppppooooiiiinnnntttt ooooffff vvvviiiieeeewwwwttttoooo iiiinnnncccclllluuuuddddeeeeaaaannnndddd
iiiinnnntttteeeeggggrrrraaaatttteeee aaaannnnooootttthhhheeeerrrr ppppooooiiiinnnntttt ooooffff vvvviiiieeeewwww.... TTTToooo mmmmaaaakkkkeeee tttthhhhiiiissss ssssttttrrrreeeettttcccchhhh wwwweeee nnnneeeeeeeedddd ttttoooo ffffeeeeeeeellll aaaapppppppprrrreeeecccciiiiaaaatttteeeedddd aaaannnndddd
rrrreeeessssppppeeeecccctttteeeedddd....Ifourpartner'sattitudeisunloving,ourself-esteem canactually bewoundedbytakingon
theirpointofview.
The moreintimatewearewithsomeone, themoredifficultitisobjectively to heartheir pointofview
withoutreactingtotheirnegativefeelings.Toprotectourselvesfromfeelingworthyoftheirdisrespector
disapprovalautomaticdefensescomeuptoresisttheirpointofview.Evenifweagreewiththeirpointof
view,wemaystubbornlypersistinarguingwiththem.
WHYARGUMENTSHURT.............................................................................................................
Itisnotwhatwesaythathurtsbuthow wesayit.QQQQuuuuiiiitttteeeeccccoooommmmmmmmoooonnnnllllyyyywwwwhhhheeeennnnaaaammmmaaaannnnffffeeeeeeeellllsssscccchhhhaaaalllllllleeeennnnggggeeeedddd,,,,
hhhhiiiissssaaaatttttttteeeennnnttttiiiioooonnnnbbbbeeeeccccoooommmmeeeessssffffooooccccuuuusssseeeeddddoooonnnnbbbbeeeeiiiinnnnggggrrrriiiigggghhhhttttaaaannnnddddhhhheeeeffffoooorrrrggggeeeettttssssttttoooobbbbeeeelllloooovvvviiiinnnnggggaaaasssswwwweeeellllllll....Automatically
hisabilitytocommunicateinacaring,respectful,andreassuringtonedecreases.Heisawareneitherof
howuncaringhesoundsnorofhowhurtfulthisistohispartner.Atsuchtimes,asimpledisagreementmay
soundlikeanattacktoawoman;arequestturnsintoanorder.Naturallyawomanfeelsresistanttothis
unlovingapproach,evenwhenshewouldbeotherwisereceptivetothecontentofwhathewassaying.
Amanunknowinglyhurtshispartnerbyspeakinginanuncaringmannerandthengoesontoexplainwhy
sheshouldnotbeupset.Hemistakenlyassumessheisresistingthecontentofhispointofview,when
reallyhisunlovingdeliveryiswhatupsetsher.Becausehedoesnotunderstandherreaction,hefocuses
moreonexplainingthemeritofwhatheissayinginsteadofcorrectingthewayheissayingit.
Hehasnoideathatheisstartinganargument;hethinkssheisarguingwithhim.Hedefendshispointof
viewwhileshedefendsherselffromhissharpenedexpressions,whicharehurtfultoher.
Whenamanneglectstohonorawoman'shurtfeelingsheinvalidatesthemandincreasesherhurt.Itis
hardforhimtounderstandherhurtbecauseheisnotasvulnerabletouncaringcommentsandtones.
Consequently, amanmaynotevenrealizehowmuchheishurtinghispartnerandthusprovokingher
resistance.
Similarly,womendon'trealizehowtheyarehurtfultomen.Unlikeaman,whenawomanfeelschallenged
thetoneofherspeechautomaticallybecomesincreasinglymistrustingandrejecting.Thiskindofrejection