ismorehurtfultoaman,especiallywhenheisemotionallyinvolved.
Womenstartandescalateargumentsbyfirstsharingnegativefeelingsabouttheirpartner'sbehaviorand
thenbygivingunsolicitedadvice.Whenawomanneglectstobufferhernegativefeelingswithmessagesof
trustandacceptance,amanrespondsnegatively,leavingthewomanconfused.Againsheisunawareof
howhurtfulhermistrustistohim.
Toavoidarguingweneedtorememberthatourpartnerobjectsnottowhatwearesayingbuttohowwe
aresayingit.Ittakestwotoargue,butitonly takesonetostopanargument.Thebestwaytostopan
argumentistonipitinthebud.Takeresponsibilityforrecognizingwhenadisagreementisturningintoan
argument.Stop talkingandtakeatime_out. Reflecton howyou areapproachingyourpartner.Tryto
understandhowyouarenotgivingthemwhattheyneed.Then,aftersometimehaspassed,comeback
andtalkagainbutinalovingandrespectfulway.Time_outsallowustocooloff,healourwounds,and
centerourselvesbeforetryingtocommunicateagain.
THEFOURSTANCESFORAVOIDINGHURT..................................................................................
Therearebasicallyfourstancesthatindividualstaketoavoidgettinghurtinarguments.Theyarethefour
f's:fight,flight,fake,andfold.Eachofthesestancesoffersashort-termgain,butinthelongruntheyare
allcounterproductive.Let'sexploreeachofthesepositions.
1 .Fight.ThisstancedefinitelycomesfromMars.Whenaconversationbecomesunlovingandunsupportive
someindividualsinstinctivelybegintofight.Theyimmediatelymoveintoanoffensivestance.Theirmotto
is"thebestdefenseisastrongoffense."Theystrikeoutbyblaming,judging,criticizing,andmakingtheir
partnerlookwrong.Theytendtostartyellingandexpresslotsofanger.Theirinnermotiveistointimidate
theirpartnerintolovingandsupportingthem.Whentheirpartnerbacksdown,theyassumetheyhavewon,
butintruththeyhavelost.
Intimidationalwaysweakenstrustinarelationship. Tomuscleyourwayintogettingwhatyouwantby
makingotherslookwrongisasurewaytofallinarelationship. Whencouplesfighttheygraduallylose
theirabilitytobeopenandvulnerable.Womendoseuptoprotectthemselvesandmenshutdownand
stopcaringasmuch.Graduallytheylosewhateverintimacytheyhadinthebeginning.
2 .Flight.ThisstancealsocomesfromMars.ToavoidconfrontationMartiansmayretireintotheircaves
andnevercomeout.Thisislikeacoldwar.Theyrefusetotalkandnothinggetsresolved.Thispassive-
aggressivebehaviorisnotthesameastakingatime_outandthencomingbacktotalkandresolvethings
inamorelovingfashion.
TheseMartiansareafraidofconfrontationandwouldratherbelowandavoidtalkingaboutanytopicsthat
maycauseanargument.Theywalkoneggshellsinarelationship.Womencommonlycomplaintheyhave