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When we are upset, disappointed, frustrated, or angry, it is difficult to communicate lovingly. When
negativeemotionscomeup,wetendmomentarilytoloseourlovingfeelingsoftrust,caring,understanding,
acceptance, appreciation,and respect. Atsuchtimes, evenwiththebestintentions, talkingturns into
fighting.Intheheatofthemoment,wedonotrememberhowtocommunicateinawaythatworksforour
partnerorforus.

Attimeslikethese,womenunknowinglytendtoblamemenandmakethemfeelguiltyfortheiractions.
Insteadofrememberingthatherpartnerisdoingthebesthecan,awomancouldassumetheworstand
sound criticaland resentful. When shefeels asurge ofnegativefeelings, itis especially difficultfor a
woman to speak in atrusting, accepting, and appreciativeway. She doesn'trealize how negativeand
hurtfulherattitudeistoherpartner.

Whenmenbecomeupset, theytendtobecomejudgmentalofwomenandwomen'sfeelings.Insteadof
rememberingthathispartnerisvulnerableandsensitive,amanmayforgetherneedsandsoundmean
anduncaring.Whenhefeelsasurgeofnegativefeelings, itisespeciallydifficultforhimtospeak in a
caring,understanding,andrespectfulway.Hedoesn'trealizehowhurtfulhisnegativeattitudeistoher.

These are thetimes when talkingdoes notwork. Fortunately,thereisanotheralternative. Insteadof
verbally sharingyourfeelingswithyourpartner,writehimorheraletter.Writinglettersallowsyouto
listentoyourownfeelingswithoutworryingabouthurtingyourpartner.Byfreelyexpressingandlistening
toyour own feelings, you automatically become morecentered andloving. Asmenwritelettersthey
becomemorecaring,understanding,andrespectful;aswomenwriteletterstheybecomemoretrusting,
accepting,andappreciative.

Writingoutyournegativefeelingsisanexcellentwaytobecomeawareofhowunlovingyoumaysound.
With this greater awareness you can adjustyour approach. In addition, by writing outyour negative
emotionstheirintensitycanbereleased,makingroomforpositivefeelingstobefeltagain.Havingbecome
morecentered,youcanthengotoyourpartnerandspeaktohimorherinamorelovingway--awaythat
is less judgmentalorblaming. As aresult, yourchances ofbeing understoodand accepted aremuch
greater.

Afterwritingyourletteryoumaynolongerfeelaneedtotalk.Insteadyoucouldbecomeinspiredtodo
somethinglovingforyourpartner.Whetheryousharethefeelingsinyourletteroryoujustwritealetterto
feelbetter,writingdownyourfeelingsisanimportanttool.