The Art of Listening
Asamanlearnstolistenandinterpretawoman'sfeelingscorrectly,communicationbecomeseasier.As
withanyart,listeningrequirespractice.EachdaywhenIgethome,IwillgenerallyseekoutBonnieand
askheraboutherday,thuspracticingthisartoflistening.
Ifsheisupsetorhashadastressfulday,atfirstIwillfeelthatsheissayingIamsomehowresponsible
andthustoblame.Mygreatestchallengeistonottakeitpersonally,tonotmisunderstandher.Idothisby
constantly reminding myself that we speak different languages. As I continue to ask "What else
happened?"Ifindthattherearemanyotherthingsbotheringher.GraduallyIstarttoseethatIamnot
solelyresponsibleforherupset.Afterawhile,whenshebeginstoappreciatemeforlistening,then,evenif
Iwaspartiallyresponsibleforherdiscomfort,shebecomesverygrateful,accepting,andloving.
Althoughlisteningisanimportantskilltopractice,somedaysamanistoosensitiveorstressedtotranslate
theintendedmeaningofherphrases.Atsuchtimesheshouldnotevenattempttolisten.Insteadhecould
kindlysay"Thisisn'tagoodtimeforme.Let'stalklater."
Sometimes aman doesn'trealize that hecan'tlisten untilshe beginstalking. IIIIffffhhhheeeebbbbeeeeccccoooommmmeeeessssvvvveeeerrrryyyy
ffffrrrruuuussssttttrrrraaaatttteeeedddd,,,,wwwwhhhhiiiilllleeeelllliiiisssstttteeeennnniiiinnnngggghhhheeeesssshhhhoooouuuullllddddnnnnoooottttttttrrrryyyyttttooooccccoooonnnnttttiiiinnnnuuuueeee-_he'lljustbecomeincreasinglyupset.That
doesnotservehimorher.Instead,therespectfulthingtosayis"Ireallywanttohearwhatyouaresaving,
butrightnowitisverydifficultformetolisten.IthinkIneedsometimetothinkaboutwhatyouhave
justsaid."
AsBonnieandIhavelearnedtocommunicateinawaythatrespectsourdifferencesandunderstandeach
other'sneeds,ourmarriagehas becomeso mucheasier.I havewitnessedthis sametransformationin
thousandsofindividualsandcouples.Relationshipsthrivewhencommunicationreflectsareadyacceptance
andrespectofpeople'sinnatedifferences.
Whenmisunderstandingsarise,rememberthatwespeakdifferentlanguages;takethetimenecessaryto
translatewhatyourpartnerreallymeansorwantstosay.Thisdefinitelytakespractice,butitiswellworth
it.