of listening, the man wants to explain that he does understand.
Ironically and tragically, the more he cares, the more defensive
he will become. His new objective is now to explain to her that
he does understand. As a result, once again, he is doing the
talking and she is doing the listening.
All this mess can be avoided if she can practice saying it
differently. All she has to say instead of “You don’t under-
stand” is “Let me try to say this differently.” This one little
shift will change everything. Now he will listen even more
intently. He still clearly gets the message that she didn’t feel
heard, but he doesn’t feel the need to defend himself.
To get a feel for this, I suggest that a woman practice out
loud right now (or as soon as it is appropriate) saying these
two phrases. Feel how he might feel in reaction to the first
phrase, “You don’t understand,” and then feel how he might
react to the suggested phrase, “Let me try saying this differ-
ently.” The difference is enormous. The same message is con-
veyed, but in the first case it seems like an attack and in the
second it is a simple request, like “Would you pass the butter?”
- Don’t Say, “Excuse Me, but Do You Mind If I Say
Something?”
This approach makes a woman appear powerless and
wimpy. It also can be interpreted as unnecessarily negative;
as if she is implying that he is not allowing her to say anything.
This is the kind of statement you expect from someone who
is eavesdropping outside a conversation and wants to suggest
something. It implies that the man is not being inclusive, when
he feels he has been open to her input all along. Instead, assert
yourself gracefully, assuming that what you have to say will
be welcome: “That’s right, I think...” or “I never thought of it
that way, I thought...”
228 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.