After taking a Mars/Venus workshop, Sharon confided that
she felt really stupid. She said, “Sure he said he loved me. But
there’s nothing wrong with that. He just didn’t love me enough
to stay. The real reason I feel hurt is that we had sex and then
he rejected me. If we hadn’t gone all the way sexually and we
had just kissed and touched, than his rejection would not hurt
so much. If we had just dated for a few weeks and then he
didn’t want to pursue a relationship it would have been fine.”
At a certain point, Kevin was being so wonderful that Sharon
started feeling obligated to give him everything he wanted.
After all, he was giving her what she wanted; it seemed only
fair for her to return the favor. But was he really giving her
everything she wanted? Sharon wanted to get married. Was
he giving her that?
She said, “I want to get married. When a man gives me all
of what I want then I will give him all of what he wants. Until
my wedding night, I am remembering that I am not yet mar-
ried.”
Sharon realized that she didn’t have to give up dating men
because it hurt too much. She could just be more discerning
in how far to go sexually. Sharon learned that physical intimacy
doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It can slowly increase over
time.
Physical intimacy doesn’t have to be
all or nothing.By reaching this conclusion, Sharon was able to complete
her relationship with Kevin. She didn’t feel like a victim but
instead was grateful for the insight. She now clearly saw how
she had set herself up to feel hurt. She forgave Kevin and
wished him well. This lifted her spirits and she went back to
dating with a new approach.
56 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.