Encyclopedia of Leadership

YOU GET THREE CONVERSATIONS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!

These three types of conversations are problematic, because they are seldom explicit or out in

the open.

HOW TO USE THIS LEADERSHIP TOOL

“When conversations go awry, we look for causes and usually find them by blaming others or ourselves. The

most generous-minded blame the relationship. ...Much of this blame is misplaced. Bad feelings are often the

result of misunderstandings that arise from the differences in conversational style.”

—Deborah Tannen, THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT

Leaders need to be able to diagnose and read conversations. In this way they will be able to

deal with typical conversation difficulties, and also coach others in handling communication

problems. Keeping the four levels of understanding and the three types of conversations in

mind, consider these two examples: a negative and then a positive communication exchange.

A NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION CYCLE

SECTION 8 TOOLS FORCOMMUNICATION 233

The

“just the facts”or

“what happened?”

conversation

The

feelings and

emotions

conversation

The

“who I am” or

“identity”

conversation

At one level, leadership conversations are about getting the facts right—”What

happened?”—yet under a thin veneer, the conversations are really about:

➠ looking for a specific truth—”I’m right and you’re wrong!”

➠ determining motive or intentions—”You did that because ...”

➠ assigning blame—”It’s your fault.”

Although leadership conversations often appear to be rational and objective analyses of

the situation, conversations are almost always, at their core, about feelings. For example:

➠ How do I handle my personal feelings as a leader and the feelings of others?

➠ Should I surface and talk about feelings, or should I let sleeping dogs lie?

➠ How can I deal with gut-wrenching conflict?

➠ What can I say here without hurting the feelings of others?

➠ How deeply should we get into feelings in a work situation?

Particularly for leaders, conversations are always overlaid with role expectations, power

and self-image issues like:

➠ Is this conversation confirming the image I’d like others to have of me as a leader?

(Expert, a friend, a good person, a hard worker, a protector, honest, and so on.)

➠ Is this conversation confirming the role I want as a leader? (In control, respected,

aggressive but not hard-nosed, hero, problem solver, competent, and so on.)

➠ Is this conversation upsetting my self-image or the self-image of the other person?

➟

➟

➟

You only hear, see, and feel

the data that supports the

conclusions you want to form

(your preconceived notion of

the truth).

❑ Get feedback on how well you listen, and pick up subtle cues

from others. Leaders can be poor judges of their own

behavior. [☛12.4 Feedback]

❑ Read and apply the self-awareness tools in this book. [For

example ☛6.2 Assumption Analysis, 8.7 Active Listening]

1. Data

Level of Negative spiral Suggested strategies for improving this

understanding characteristics conversational exchange