8.5
METACOMMUNICATING: TALKING ABOUT TALKING
Inspired by Deborah Tannen.On occasion, communication results in a deadlock such that neither party feels understood by
the other. The most common response in these situations is more of the same communication,
which isn’t working. As a result, things can get even worse! When communication itself feels
like part of the problem, invite the other person to talk about how you are both talking.
Talking about how you are talking is known as metacommunication, and can be an invalu-
able skill when misunderstandings are present and emotions are running high. For example,
when a conversation is getting bogged down, you can intervene by simply saying, “I think this
conversation is getting off track. How can we get it back on track?” Or, when negative emo-
tions and conflict surface, you can say, “I don’t want to butt heads with you. Can we talk about
the impasse we seem to be heading into?” Note that these invitations to metacommunicate are
best handled in direct and straightforward language. This is not the time to be metaphorical
or philosophical. Your goal is to invite the others to talk about how you are all talking. Most
people will respond at this meta level, and talk with you about the communication problem.
You can then use this higher-level discussion (the metacommunication) to help solve the orig-
inal problem.
AN EXAMPLE OF HOW METACOMMUNICATION WORKS
- There is a disagreement or misunderstanding at the content level. That is, people are
not agreeing on the issues, facts, data, essential features, promises that have been
made, and so on.
Example:You and the other person are disagreeing on the time it takes to complete a
given phase of a project.- Move up a level to discuss the process of how you are discussing the content; that is,
how you and the other person are dealing with this issue.
Example:Ask something like, “Can we step back for a moment? We seem to be stuck
on the project timeline, but the way we’re talking about this is causing us to
get dug into different positions. Can we talk for a minute about howwe’re
talking about this problem?” - After discussing the difficulty at the process level and agreeing on principles for com-
municating, go back down to the content level and try again to resolve the issue, this
time using the newly agreed-upon principles for communicating.
SECTION 8 TOOLS FORCOMMUNICATION 245