forever lost. Sometimes you do try to resume the relationship, starting
a vicious cycle of getting closer and withdrawing. Other times, even if
the other person is available, you don’t make an attempt to get back
together but continue all the same to think about him or her incessantly.
This fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships,
because it acts as a deactivating strategy, blocking you from getting
close to someone else. Even though you’ll probably never get back
together with your phantom ex, just the knowledge that they’re out there
is enough to make any new partner seem insignificant by comparison.
THE POWER OF “THE ONE”
Have you ever gone out with someone whom you think is amazing, but
as you start to get closer, you become overwhelmed with the feeling
that s/he isn’t actually so hot after all? This can even happen after
you’ve gone out with someone for a considerable amount of time or
very intensively, all the while believing that s/he is the one, when all of a
sudden you experience a chilling effect. You start to notice she has a
weird way of eating, or that his nose blowing infuriates you. You end up
discovering that after the initial exhilaration, you feel suffocated and
need to take a step back. What you don’t realize is that this surge of
negativity could in fact be a deactivating strategy, unconsciously
triggered to turn off your attachment needs.
Not wanting to look inward—and believing that we all have the same
capacity for intimacy—you conclude that you’re just not in love enough
and so pull away. You partner is crushed and protests, but this only
strengthens your conviction that s/he is not “the one.” Moving from one
date to the next, you begin this vicious cycle over and over, believing
all along that once you find “the one,” you’ll effortlessly connect on a
totally different level.