As you read this chapter, it becomes apparent that being avoidant isn’t
really about living a self-sufficient life; it’s about a life of struggle
involving the constant suppression of a powerful attachment system
using the (also powerful) deactivating strategies we’ve outlined.
Because of their power it’s easy to conclude that these behaviors,
thoughts, and beliefs are impossible to uproot and change. But, strictly
speaking, this is not the case. What is true is that people with an
avoidant attachment style overwhelmingly assume that the reason
they’re unable to find happiness in a relationship has little to do with
themselves and a lot to do with external circumstances—meeting the
wrong people, not finding “the one,” or only hooking up with prospects
who want to tie them down. They rarely search inside themselves for
the reason for their dissatisfaction, and even more rarely seek help or
even agree to get help when their partner suggests they do so.
Unfortunately, until they look inward or seek counseling, change is not
likely to occur.
On occasions when avoidants reach a low point in their life—
because of severe loneliness, a life-altering experience, or a major
accident—they can change their way of thinking. For those of you who
have reached that point, take note of the following eight actions that will
get you one step closer to true intimacy. Most of these steps require,
first and foremost, increasing your self-awareness. But knowing about
the thought patterns that deny you the ability to truly get close to
someone is only the first step. The next and harder step requires you
to start to identify instances in which you employ these attitudes and
behaviors, and then to embark on the voyage of change.
COACHING SESSION: EIGHT THINGS YOU
CAN S TART DOING TODAY TO STOP
PUSHING LOVE AWAY
- Learn to identify deactivating strategies. Don’t act
on your impulse. When you’re excited about someone
but then suddenly have a gut feeling that s/he is not right