for you, stop and think. Is this actually a deactivating
strategy? Are all those small imperfections you’re
starting to notice really your attachment system’s way of
making you step back? Remind yourself that this picture
is skewed and that you need intimacy despite your
discomfort with it. If you thought s/he was great to begin
with, you have a lot to lose by pushing him or her away.
- De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual
support. When your partner feels s/he has a secure
base to fall back on (and doesn’t feel the need to work
hard to get close), and when you don’t feel the need to
distance yourself, you’ll both be better able to look
outward and do your own thing. You’ll become more
independent and your partner will be less needy. (See
more on the “dependency paradox” in chapter 2).
- Find a secure partner. As you will see in chapter 7,
people with secure attachment styles tend to make their
anxious and avoidant partners more secure as well.
Someone with an anxious attachment style, however, will
exacerbate your avoidance—often in a perpetual vicious
cycle. Given a chance, we recommend you choose the
secure route. You’ll experience less defensiveness, less
fighting, and less anguish.
- Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret
behaviors. Negative views of your partner’s behaviors
and intentions infuse bad vibes into the relationship.
Change this pattern! Recognize this tendency, notice
when it happens, and look for a more plausible
perspective. Remind yourself that this is your partner,
you chose to be together, and that maybe you’re better
off trusting that they do have your best interests at heart.
- Make a relationship gratitude list. Remind yourself on
a daily basis that you tend to think negatively of your
partner or date. It is simply part of your makeup if you
have an avoidant attachment style. Your objective should
be to notice the positive in your partner’s actions. This
