may not be an easy task, but with practice and
perseverance, you’ll gradually get the hang of it. Take
time every evening to think back on the events of the
day. List at least one way your partner contributed, even
in a minor way, to your well-being, and why you’re
grateful they’re in your life.- Nix the phantom ex. When you find yourself idealizing
that one special ex-partner, stop and acknowledge that
he or she is not (and never was) a viable option. By
remembering how critical you were of that relationship—
and how leery you were of committing—you can stop
using him or her as a deactivating strategy and focus on
someone new. - Forget about “the one.” We don’t dispute the
presence of soul mates in our world. On the contrary, we
wholeheartedly believe in the soul mate experience. But
it is our belief that you have to be an active party in the
process. Don’t wait until “the one” who fits your checklist
shows up and then expect everything to fall into place.
Make them into your soul mate by choosing them out of
the crowd, allowing them to get close (using the
strategies we offer in this chapter) and making them a
special part of you. - Adopt the distraction strategy. As an avoidant, it’s
easier to get close to your partner if there’s a distraction
(remember the experiment with a distraction task).
Focusing on other things—taking a hike, going sailing,
or preparing a meal together—will allow you to let your
guard down and make it easier to access your loving
feelings. Use this little trick to promote closeness in your
time together.
For additional avoidance-busting tips, see chapter 8.