breath, he collected himself and leaned over to kiss her. That was the
last time his shyness was an issue in their relationship, which is still
going strong three years later.
In this case, flirtatiously asking for a kiss was an eloquent use of
effective communication. Tina expressed her needs, and although
there was an awkward moment, her directness gave her relationship
with Serge a tremendous push that brought them much closer, not only
physically, but also emotionally. Even if Serge had reacted in some
other way, and things had worked out differently, it would still have
been helpful: People’s response to effective communication is always
very telling. It either allows you to avoid getting involved in a dead-end
relationship, as in Lauren and Ethan’s case, or it helps bring the
relationship to a deeper level, as in Serge and Tina’s case.
Effective communication works on the understanding that we all
have very specific needs in relationships, many of which are
determined by your attachment style. They aren’t good or bad, they
simply are what they are. If you’re anxious, you have a strong need for
closeness and have to be reassured at all times that your partner loves
and respects you. If you’re avoidant, you need to be able to maintain
some distance, either emotional or physical, from your partner and
preserve a large degree of separateness. In order to be happy in a
relationship, we need to find a way to communicate our attachment
needs clearly without resorting to attacks or defensiveness.

WHY USE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION?

Effective communication works to achieve two goals:

• To choose the right partner. Effective communication is the
  quickest, most direct way to determine whether your
  prospective partner will be able to meet your needs. Your date’s
  response to effective communication can reveal more in five
  minutes than you could learn in months of dating without this
  kind of discourse. If the other person shows a sincere wish to