Attached

Although there is nothing that brings two people closer than
understanding and being understood by each other, effective
communication has something to offer the avoidant person as well. As
someone with an avoidant attachment style, you are often unaware of
your need for distance and separateness—you feel the need to get
away but don’t understand why. When you get that feeling, you may
assume that you’re beginning to be less attracted to your partner, in
which case, what is there to talk about? He or she is probably not “the
one,” so why prolong the agony? But then you find yourself in one failed
relationship after another, repeating the same cycle again and again. If
you are avoidant, the first step, therefore, is to acknowledge your need
for space—whether emotional or physical—when things get too close,
and then learn how to communicate that need. Explain to your partner
in advance that you need some time alone when you feel things getting
too mushy and that it’s not a problem with him or her but rather your
own need in any relationship (this bit is important!). This should quell
their worries and somewhat calm their attachment system. They are
then less likely to intensify their efforts to draw closer to you (which is
what makes you uncomfortable the most). Thus, there is a better
chance you’ll avoid a full-blown pursuit-withdrawal dynamic with your
partner.
Andres, who has an avoidant attachment style, had been married to
Monica for about twenty-five years when he discovered that he had a
slowly progressive autoimmune condition. It was incurable, he was
told, but given his age, his life expectancy would probably not be
severely impaired. It would require periodic lab tests, though. After the
initial shock of the discovery, Andres was able to push the thoughts
about his condition aside and move on with his life. Monica, however,
wasn’t able to do so. She believed that taking the “business-as-usual”
approach was wrong. She tried to convince him on several occasions
to get a second opinion and do a thorough search on the Internet about
his condition. Andres would usually evade these conversations and
brush her medical suggestions aside, but sometimes it led to severe
clashes between them. Finally, after several months of frustration, he
confronted Monica. He knows her involvement stems from worry and