Let’s take a closer look at the five principles that secure people use
when they’re having a disagreement with their partner.
Five Secure Principles for Resolving
Conflict
- Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being.
- Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
- Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
- Be willing to engage.
- Effectively communicate feelings and needs.
- Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being: A
cottage in the Berkshires
Frank loves the outdoors and the summer home in the Berkshires
that he inherited from his parents. Sandy hates it. She dreads the
hassle of packing and unpacking and the traffic they always get stuck
in on the long drives. To her, the whole experience is more trouble than
it’s worth. It took a few bitter fights before they realized that each
partner insisting on his or her wishes and ignoring the other’s ended
up making both of them unhappy. They found a system that worked
despite their inherent differences in the way they wish to spend their
downtime. Today, when Sandy senses that city life is becoming too
much for Frank, she takes one for the team and they venture to the
woods. Similarly, when Frank sees that Sandy is feeling overwhelmed
by traveling, they stay in the city—sometimes for long stretches of time.
On those occasions he makes sure to schedule outdoor activities in
order to keep his sanity. It’s not a perfect system, and sometimes one
of them gets upset and complains, but they’re able to work it out, each
accommodating the other as best they can.
Frank and Sandy both understand the fundamental premise of a