good relationship—that the other person’s well-being is as important
as your own. Ignoring your partner’s needs will have a direct impact on
your own emotions, satisfaction level, and even physical health. We
often view conflict as a zero-sum game: either you get your way or I get
mine. But attachment theory shows us that our happiness is actually
dependent on our mate’s and vice versa. The two are inextricable.
Despite their divergent wishes, Frank and Sandy engage in a kind of
back and forth synchronicity that gives them both the satisfaction of
knowing that the other person is attuned to their needs. From an
attachment perspective, this is a hugely rewarding experience.
- Maintain focus on the problem at hand: George’s messy
place
“On one of our first dates,” Kelly recalls, “George and I stopped by
his apartment, but he didn’t invite me up. He said it was being
renovated and he felt uncomfortable having me see it that way. Being a
suspicious person, his excuse didn’t make sense to me. I leapt to
conclusions, conjuring up images of an extra toothbrush in his
bathroom and another woman’s underwear on his bed. He noticed my
mood change and asked me what was going on. I told him that it was
obvious he had something to hide, and our date ended on a sour note.
“The next evening, however, George invited me over. He buzzed me
in, and as I was going up the stairs, he opened his door and with a
sweep of his arm gestured me in, saying ‘Welcome, welcome,
welcome!’ The place was indeed a mess, but we both laughed about it
and all the bad feelings were gone.”
George was able to turn the situation around because he has a
secure attachment style. Although his responses might seem natural, if
we look a bit more closely, we can see that they wouldn’t come so
naturally to everybody. George remained very focused on the issue at
hand. While Kelly, who has an anxious attachment style, veered off the
topic, making personal accusations, George was able to see through
her protest behavior and home in on what was really bothering her. His
behavior fits well with research findings. Garry Creasey, the head of