the attachment lab at Illinois State University, who has a particular
interest in conflict management from an attachment perspective,
together with Matthew Hesson-McInnis, also from the department of
psychology at Illinois State University, found that secures are better
able to understand their partner’s perspective and maintain focus on
the problem. By responding to Kelly’s fears, and addressing them
quickly and effectively, George prevented further conflict. His ability to
build a secure connection benefits them both: Kelly learns that she has
a partner who feels responsible for her well-being, and George
discovers that he is accepted as he is, clutter and all. When there’s a
willingness to resolve a specific problem, people feel that they’re being
heard and it brings both parties closer together.
But secure people aren’t always able to resolve arguments in such
an elegant manner. They too can lose their temper and overlook their
partner’s needs.
- Refrain from generalizing the conflict: The shopping trip
Though both Terry and Alex, who are in their mid-fifties, have a
secure attachment style, they’ve engaged in an ongoing fighting ritual
for more than thirty years. Terry will send Alex to the supermarket with
a very detailed shopping list—crushed tomatoes, whole wheat bread,
and a package of Barilla pasta. A couple of hours later Alex will come
back with similar, but not the exact, products. He’ll have purchased a
different brand of pasta and tomato paste instead of crushed
tomatoes. Terry gets upset, declares the items unusable, and
dramatically proclaims that she’ll have to go to the store herself. Alex
responds by losing his temper, grabs the groceries, and storms out of
the house. He returns with the correct items, but the day has been
ruined by their confrontation.
Even though Terry and Alex care deeply about each other, they’ve
never really taken a good look at their fighting ritual. If they had, they
would have realized the value in finding a different solution. Alex is a
space cadet; he just doesn’t seem to be able to pay attention to
details, so why put both of them through a challenge he can’t meet?