For Terry these small details are crucial—she couldn’t overlook them
even if she tried. This doesn’t mean Terry should have to take the
entire burden on herself, however. A creative solution is in order. Terry
can call Alex at the supermarket to make sure he’s putting the correct
items in the basket, she can place the order online and have him pick
it up, or she can go herself while he helps with chores at home. They
have to find a path of less resistance and go with it.
One thing is notable, though. Despite their fussing, they do manage
to steer clear of a number of destructive pitfalls. Most important, they
don’t let the conflict spill over into other areas or get out of control. They
avoid making disparaging comments or hurtful generalizations about
each other. They keep the argument restricted to the topic at hand and
don’t blow things out of proportion. Even though Terry angrily threatens
to go to the store herself—and on occasion does—she doesn’t
expand it to “I’ve had it with you” or “You know what? You can cook
your own dinner, I’m leaving!”
- Be willing to engage
In all three conflicts above, whether resolved peacefully or
explosively, the secure partner (or partners) remains “present” both
physically and emotionally. George is instinctively able to contain
Kelly’s personal attack and, taking responsibility for her hurt feelings,
turns the situation around while remaining engaged. Had he been
avoidant or even anxious, he might have responded to Kelly’s silent
treatment by withdrawing and creating even more distance and
hostility.
Frank and Sandy could also each have decided to dig in their heels.
Sandy could have said, “You know what? Do whatever you want, but
I’m spending my weekends in the city!” and refused to discuss things
further. Frank could have done the same. Locked in a stalemate,
they’d have spent many unhappy weekends missing each other. Only
because they’re both willing to stay and deal with the issue do they find
a resolution that they can both live with and in the process learn to be
more in tune to each other’s needs.