- Effectively communicate feelings and needs: Visiting the
sister-in-law
Because Tom’s job is so hectic, Rebecca barely gets to see him
during the week, and she often feels very alone. On Saturdays, she
usually visits her sister, who lives close by. Tom doesn’t typically join
her for these visits; he likes to stay home and veg out on the couch.
Generally, this is fine with her, but this Saturday, after a particularly long
week at work, when Tom was even more absent than usual, she
becomes very insistent that he come along. Tom, exhausted from his
work week, is adamant about not wanting to go. Rebecca won’t take
no for an answer and pushes the issue. He reacts by clamming up
even more. Finally she tells him he’s being selfish, he ends up in front
of the TV not talking, and she ends up going alone.
Rebecca acts in a way that is very typical of people with an anxious
attachment style. Because her husband’s being at work more than
usual during the week has activated her attachment system, she feels
a need to reconnect. What she needs most is to feel that Tom is
available to her—that he cares and wants to be with her. However,
instead of saying this directly and explaining what is bothering her, she
uses protest behavior—accusing him of being selfish and insisting that
he come to her sister’s. Tom is bewildered that Rebecca is suddenly
behaving so irrationally—after all, they have an understanding that he
doesn’t have to go to her sister’s.
How different Tom’s reaction might be if Rebecca simply said, “I
know you hate going to my sister’s, but it would mean the world to me if
you could come this one time. I’ve hardly seen you all week and I don’t
want to miss out on any more time together.”
Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the
other person magically reading your mind. It means that you’re an
active agent who can be heard, and it opens the door for a much richer
emotional dialogue. Even if Tom still chose not to join Rebecca, if he
understood how she felt, he could find another way to reassure her: “If
you really want me to go, I will. But I also want to relax. How about we