go out tonight—just the two of us? Would that make you feel better?
You don’t really want me at your sister’s anyway, do you? I will get in
the way of the two of you catching up.”

Preventing Conflict—Attachment Biology

101

When it comes to conflict, it’s not always about who did what to

whom, or how to compromise, or even how to express yourself

more effectively. Sometimes, understanding the basic biology

of attachment helps you prevent conflict before it even happens.

Oxytocin, a hormone and neuropeptide that has gotten a lot of

press coverage in recent years, plays a major role in

attachment processes and serves several purposes: It causes

women to go into labor, strengthens attachment, and serves as

a social cohesion hormone by increasing trust and cooperation.

We get a boost of oxytocin in our brain during orgasm and even

when we cuddle—which is why it’s been tagged the “cuddle

hormone.”

How is oxytocin related to conflict reduction? Sometimes we

spend less quality time with our partner—especially when other

demands on us are pressing. However, neuroscience findings

suggest that we should change our priorities. By forgoing

closeness with our partners, we are also missing our oxytocin

boost—making us less agreeable to the world around us and

more vulnerable to conflict.

The next time you decide to skip the Sunday morning cuddle

in bed for a chance to catch up on your work—think again. This

small act might be enough to immunize your relationship

against conflict for the next few days.