WHY INSECURE PEOPLE DON’T APPROACH
CONFLICT HEAD-ON
Several aspects of the anxious and avoidant mind-sets make it difficult
for them to adopt secure conflict resolution principles.
For the anxious, conflict can trigger very basic concerns about their
partner’s responsiveness to their needs and about rejection or
abandonment. When a dispute arises, they experience many negative
thoughts and react by using protest behavior, aimed at getting their
partner’s attention. They may make strong accusations, cry, or give
their partner the silent treatment. Fearful that their partner is likely to be
inattentive to their needs, they feel they need to really leave their mark
in order to be heard. Their response, though often dramatic, is usually
ineffective.
People with an avoidant attachment style are also threatened by the
possibility that their mate won’t really be there for them when needed.
However, to deal with these beliefs, they adopt the opposite approach
—they suppress their need for intimacy by shutting down emotionally
and adopting a defensive air of independence. The more personal the
conflict becomes, the stronger their urge grows to distance themselves
from the situation. To do this they use deactivating strategies—such as
finding fault with their partner—in order to feel less close to him or her.
Another study by Gary Creasey, together with two graduate students
at the time, Kathy Kershaw and Ada Boston, found that both anxious
people and avoidant people use fewer positive conflict-resolution
tactics, express more aggression, and tend more toward withdrawal
and escalation of conflict than secure people. Perhaps the similarities
in their attitude toward conflict—that is, their basic belief in their
partner’s unavailability and their difficulty expressing their needs
effectively—explain this finding.