Attached

Though Jackie and Paul have been seeing each other for over a year
and spend most nights together, Paul has three children that Jackie
has never met. Her friends and family are worried about this situation
and wonder where the relationship going.
Jackie has tried to address the matter, but Paul feels the time is still
not right—maintaining stability in his children’s life is of the utmost
importance to him. Every other weekend, when Paul has the kids, he is
off-limits to Jackie, who feels that if she raises the subject again, she
might tip the relationship over the edge. Even on appropriate
occasions—when Paul told her how much he loved her and talked
about buying a house together—Jackie remained quiet about the kids
and didn’t reciprocate his declarations of love. She feels that if Paul
really wanted them to be close, he would let her into his life completely,
kids and all.
When Jackie’s parents visit for dinner, Paul keeps talking about his
kids and how wonderful they are. After dessert, Jackie’s father invites
Paul for a short walk. He tells him that his kids sound wonderful and
he’s hoping that Jackie will get to meet them soon, because he and his
wife really like Paul and want to see the relationship grow. Paul
assures him that he’s very serious about the relationship. Neither of
them tells Jackie about their talk.
The following week, Jackie has no idea why Paul is so quiet and
answers her questions with only “Yes,” “No,” or “I don’t know.” Finally,
she asks him what’s wrong. He responds by lashing out, complaining
that her father criticized him for talking about his kids, and reminds her
of the many times he has expressed his feelings, only to have her not
reciprocate. She replies that it’s hard to open up when he’s shutting
her out of such a big part of his life. Rather than engaging in the
discussion, he gets up, packs his belongings, and leaves, saying that
he needs “some space.” He returns several weeks later, but they still
avoid discussing the matter and revert to the status quo.
Typical of people who have an insecure attachment style, both
Jackie and Paul break almost every secure rule for handling conflict.
Neither effectively communicates their needs and both avoid directly
addressing the issue at hand—introducing Jackie to Paul’s kids—but
each for a different reason. Paul has a very firm opinion on the matter