—he doesn’t want his kids to meet someone unless it’s very serious—
and Jackie never reciprocated his love declarations. It doesn’t occur to
him to ask Jackie if it bothers her that they are separated every other
weekend. Though he says he loves her, this doesn’t translate into
thinking that her feelings should be considered when it comes to his
children (a characteristically avoidant attitude). He also assumes that if
she doesn’t often raise the topic of wanting to meet his children, she
can’t care that much.
Jackie, on the other hand, doesn’t talk anymore about meeting his
kids because she’s anxious and worries that by making demands she
may put the relationship in jeopardy. She fears that Paul may decide
she’s “just not worth the effort.”
Paul also avoids secure principles when he chooses not to tell
Jackie about his conversation with her father. Worse still, when they
finally do talk about the issue, instead of engaging in the topic, Paul
withdraws completely. Paul bottles up his anger for so long that by the
time Jackie asks him what’s wrong, he’s at the end of his rope and is
only able to attack her. Jackie, who is also insecure, isn’t able to save
the situation; instead of trying to soothe him and calm things down, she
resorts to counterattacks. Being anxious, she interprets Paul’s words
as a personal rejection and responds defensively. Unfortunately,
neither can see beyond their own hurt to comprehend the larger picture
or what is going on with the other person.
As a rule of thumb, sensitive topics—like meeting a partner’s
children—should always be on the table. Assume that they’re
important, even if they aren’t raised. You might not necessarily reach
an immediate resolution, but at least you’ll be open to hearing each
other, and neither of you will be burying hurt feelings that will burst out
uncontrollably sometime in the future. And of course, there is a better
chance the issue will be resolved if it is discussed rather than ignored.

HOW TO MAKE SECURE PRINCIPLES WORK

FOR YOU