Insecure assumptions interfere with conflict resolution. Specifically,
being centered on your own needs and hurts can cause a lot of trouble.
Fear that someone isn’t as emotionally involved as you, or doesn’t
want to be as close as you’d like to be, is understandable. But in
conflict situations, such preoccupations can be very damaging. Try to
keep a number of truths in mind when you are in the midst of a fight:
- A single fight is not a relationship breaker.
- Express your fears! Don’t let them dictate your actions. If you’re
afraid that s/he wants to reject you, say so. - Don’t assume you are to blame for your partner’s bad mood. It is
most likely not because of you. - Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive and go
ahead and express your needs. - Don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking. If you
haven’t told him/her what’s on your mind, s/he doesn’t know! - Don’t assume that you understand what your partner means.
When in doubt, ask.
A general word of advice: It’s always more effective to assume the
best in conflict situations. In fact, expecting the worst—which is typical
of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling
prophecy. If you assume your partner will act hurtfully or reject you, you
automatically respond defensively—thus starting a vicious cycle of
negativity. Though you may have to talk yourself into believing the
“positive truths” above (even if only halfheartedly at first), it is well worth
the effort. In most cases, they will steer the dialogue in the right
direction.
In sum, these are the habits you should keep away from during fights: