1. Getting sidetracked from the real problem.


2. Neglecting to effectively communicate your feelings and
   needs.


3. Reverting to personal attacks and destructiveness.


4. Reacting “tit for tat” to a partner’s negativity with more
   negativity.


5. Withdrawing.


6. Forgetting to focus on the other’s well-being.

Paul and Jackie’s conflict is really intimacy-centered and not of the
bread-and-butter type. We brought it up to demonstrate how easy it is
to hit almost all of the “don’ts” listed above in a single dispute. Despite
their love for each other, they (1) get easily sidetracked from the real
problem (“Your father criticized me for talking about my children.. .”);
they (2) obviously never effectively communicate their needs and
feelings. A lot is left unsaid, especially by Jackie, who (5) uses
emotional withdrawal and doesn’t respond to Paul’s attempts to get
close in other ways. When they finally do talk, after a week of silence (5
again), they (4) engage in a tit for tat. Both are certainly also
engrossed in their own concerns and (6) have great difficulty focusing
on the other’s well-being throughout their relationship and particularly
when arguing.

A WORKSHOP IN CONFLICT STRATEGIES

The first step toward identifying your own conflict tactics and changing
them is to learn to recognize effective and ineffective conflict
strategies. Take a look at the following situations and try to determine
whether the couples deal with their differences using secure or
insecure principles. If you think the principles used are insecure, list the