Secure tactics Emma could use:Answer: Todd—Insecure. Todd evades Emma’s underlying
concern—feeling unattractive and unappreciated when he checks out
other women. Instead, he reverts to withdrawal, as opposed to
engagement. At first he has “no idea” what she’s talking about, and
later he minimizes the importance of her argument by saying that it’s
just a natural part of being male. This is ineffective communication at
its worst. Nothing gets resolved. She’ll continue to feel upset by his
behavior and he’ll feel justified and self-righteous about continuing it.
Secure tactics Todd could use: The secure approach would have
been to show concern for Emma’s well-being by saying that he
realizes how lousy his staring must make her feel. He could also try to
understand what really bothers her about this behavior and reassure
her that he does find her beautiful (maintaining focus on the problem at
hand). He could ask her to point out when he slips into this pattern
again so he can try to change his behavior: “I’m sorry. I do this out of
habit, but I realize now that it’s upsetting and disrespectful toward you.
After all, I get upset when other men look at you even if you’re not
aware of it! I’ll try to be more respectful, but if I lapse, I want you to call
me on it.”
Answer: Emma—Secure. Emma effectively communicates her
needs. She tells Todd how his actions make her feel in a
straightforward, nonaccusatory manner (or as nonaccusatory as can
be expected under the circumstances).
Secure tactics Emma could use: She did a good job.