Body Language Secrets A Guide During Courtship & Dating

(^42) BODY LANGUAGE SECRETS Commandments Of Meeting 43
ON NOT BEING DIRECT
Everyone communicates obliquely during the
early stages of courtship. If you're straightforward it
throws off the other person's timing as well as diso-
rienting her, or him, as well as making the person
feel you're not playing by the rules. Forget "com-
munication skills" you learned from your marriage
counselor or therapist. They are completely ineffec-
tive in the single world.
At a minimum, direct talk makes others think
you're out of it, or crazy. After a few dates, when
you're comfortable with each other, you can gradu-
ally start being more to the point, but in the begin-
ning, indirect exchange of information is the only
way to proceed.
Many single people are not direct for two reasons:
(1) it protects them from the humiliation of rejection
if the other person isn't interested and, (2) indirect-
ness makes it possible to use the other person with-
out risk of involvement.
Everyone is a suspected game player. Everyone is
trying to protect himself or herself. Hey, too bad,
that's how it really is. I didn't make the rule every-
body's playing by—All's fair in love and war.
COURTSHIP BY CONVERSATION
We humans conduct courtship by talking. The
complex but mandatory, ritualistic displays of domi-
nance and submission, aggression, reluctance and
reassurance all take place during conversation. Al-
though the words you choose are important, even
critical, most communicating is done with facial ex-
pression, tone of voice, posture and the manner of
touching.
SAFETY FIRST
Men, as the aggressor, the first thing you must
do is deliver an opening line that won't scare her
away and won't make her think you're a playboy or
a bumpkin. The next thing you have to do is sustain
the conversation for a few minutes so that she can
realize you are first of all safe, next, interesting and
finally, attractive.
All women are afraid that any man who ap-
proaches them, including you, may be physically
dangerous as well as socially or emotionally danger-
ous.
Physical Danger. She thinks you could he The
Slasher or a Dirty Old Man trying to cop a feel.
Convince her you're safe by keeping your distance,
physically. Absolutely do not touch her except to
shake hands. Your body language must not say lust,
fear-of-rejection, impatience, or lack-of-confidence.
During the entire conversation, even if you're petri-
fied, you must appear to be friendly, relaxed and
casual so that she has time to realize you are safe.
Social Danger. The woman you approach does
not want everyone in the room to realize you are
coming on to her. Why? If after talking with her for
a few minutes, you decide she's not that interesting
and walk away, everyone will know. Nobody wants
to be humiliated in public. To save face, do not be
obvious or up front. Your words as well as your body
language must say, "I'm relaxed. We're just having a
friendly, casual chat."
Emotional Danger. A woman is afraid you
might be able to sexually use her, then discard her.
Once she realizes you are not physically or socially
dangerous, this is her biggest fear. Communicate
nonverbally that you are sincere as well as
trustworthy and not a playboy. This is done with
postures, gestures, tone of voice and eye contact as
explained. For the courtship to proceed, you must
reassure her that you are not emotionally dangerous
as the need arises. How will you know when? By
paying close attention to her body language.