© 2003 – Carlos Xuma. – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved –
Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit http://www.datingdynamics.com for more information.feathers go up, it’s a good indicator that you’ve over-pursued your side of the argument. You
may have proven you were right, but you’ll still lose if you push it too hard.
If you get sucked into an argument, the best thing to do is to throw up your own feathers,
but not on topics that will keep you arguing. Instead, throw up a few good points about her, and
watch her reaction turned to stunned silence. If she complains or needles you about something,
give her back a compliment in return. It’s totally counter-intuitive, and it breaks her pattern.
These are called pattern interrupts, and they work in almost any heated, emotional situation.
Use something completely absurd to stop the dynamic from spiraling out of control.
Let’s try that argument with Wanda again:
What normally happens in the argument dynamic is that a man gets pulled into what he
thinks is a battle instead of being able to participate by watching from a distance. Here’s what’s
really happening under the surface, and the reason you always feel powerless:
The man doesn’t lose arguments by giving in and agreeing that she was right;
you lose when you lose your self-discipline and composure and she gains control by
getting you on the defense.The woman doesn’t really want to win by getting you to bow down and admit you’re
wrong and you aren’t worthy. She just wants to express her feelings and be heard and
understood. That’s why even when you say, “Yes, dear you’re absolutely right,” it’s not enough.
She doesn’t want victory in the way that men want victory.
Your number one defense against arguments
is not being drawn into a defensive posture.USE HUMOR AS A CALMING TACTIC...........................................................................................................
Very frequently couples will get into arguments or disagreements in front of friends or
family when a sensitive topic comes up. They feel embarrassed that their buttons are being
pushed in front of company, and it can make for a very uncomfortable moment as one or the
other tries to save face. One good style of managing this situation is to de-escalate it with
humor. If she brings up something that is inappropriate or starts to get emotional or angry, you
can deflect it by saying something like:
Wanda: “I wish you’d clean up the bathroom once and a while, Danny. I’m sick of
cleaning up after you.”
Danny: “I cleaned it up last week. Remember, we were going to alternate that chore?”
Wanda: “Well ... I didn’t think we agreed on that. And, besides, you never said you
were going to vacuum, either. I vacuumed the last two times.”
Danny: “Did you do it naked? I love it when you vacuum in the nude.”
Wanda: “I ... what?”
Danny: “You are so totally hot when you do housework. It gets that Y chromosome of
mine all excited.”
Wanda: (Smiling) “Stop! I’m trying to be mad here ...”