Games and Guardians 161Most problems with others come about because we do not
see the situation in the same way that they do and we think
we are right. We look at our own actions and they make per-
fect sense (and they do– if the assumptions that they are
based on are trustworthy).
We judge ourselves by our intentions. From our point of
view, our intentions are good. We are trying to get some-
thing we value. And we think we are reasonable – given the
circumstances, there did not seem to be a better choice, oth-
erwise we would have taken it. If we hurt someone or what
we do turns out badly, then it was a mistake, or at worst, we
accuse ourselves of being thoughtless. Mistakes can only be
judged in retrospect – actions did not turn out as planned,
there was a side-effect, someone reacted badly or we did not
have all the information. An apology is a plea for our hon-
esty, it does not change the mistake. We apologize for the
result, not for the action we took.
From our viewpoint, then, what we do makes perfect
sense, but we do not give others the same benefit of the doubt. Usu-
ally not understanding their goals or values, or how they see
the world, we seldom judge them by their intentions, but by
their results. We also tend to take things personally. Another
person’s mistake is not just a mistake, it’s personal, it affects
us. What they do may also challenge our beliefs, expecta-
tions and trust. When we feel hurt, we often assume the
other person deliberately meant to hurt us, or if not, they
were at best stupid and incompetent. But they may not have
meant to affect us at all, just get something of value to them-
selves. Everybody is a hero in their own story, even when they
have a starring role as a villain in another person’s story. Just
as we are judging our own actions by our intentions and the
actions of others by the results, so others are busy doing the
same, judging themselves on their intentions and judging us
on the results. It’s not surprising that misunderstandings
and blame abound.
What does this mean with regard to leadership? The mean-
ing of any communication is both the intention and the
result, depending on how you look at it. Leaders influence