120 Part II: Winning Friends and Influencing People
Exploring perceptual positions
One of the ways that NLP helps you to build rapport with others is by dis-
tinguishing at least three different points of view. NLP calls these perceptual
positions. This approach is rather like looking at a building from all angles –
coming in at the front entrance, moving round to the back door, and then
looking down with a bird’s eye view from a helicopter overhead:
✓ The first position is your own natural perspective, where you’re fully
aware of what you think and feel regardless of those around you.
This position can be one of strength – when you’re really clear about
what you want and your own beliefs and values – but also one of incred-
ible selfishness, until you consciously become aware of what other
people want.
✓ The second position is about shifting into someone else’s shoes – imag-
ining what a situation looks like for them. You may already be really
good at always considering the needs of others: for example, mothers
rapidly develop this skill in caring for new offspring. You put someone
else’s view first.
✓ The third position involves taking an independent view, where you act
as a detached observer noticing what’s happening in the relationship.
At its best, this position is one of maturity from where you appreciate a
situation from both sides. Sometimes, however, it can mean that you’re
reluctant to engage fully in a situation – you merely sit on the fence.
Mastering all three perspectives puts you in a wise place that allows you to
enjoy life more fully.
Get into the habit of mentally shifting your thinking into the second and third
positions when you’re in conversation.
Looking into the NLP meta-mirror
The meta-mirror is an exercise, originally developed by Robert Dilts, which
allows you to bring together a number of different perspectives or perceptual
positions. The basis of the meta-mirror is the idea that the problem or conflict
you face is more a reflection of you, and how you relate to yourself, than about
the other person. The meta-mirror approach allows you to step back and see
the problem you’re facing in a new light – hence the idea of the mirror.
The meta-mirror helps you to prepare for, or review, a number of possible
scenarios:
